Blogging...

Some time back, whilst idly scrolling through the vast number of blogs scattered across the web… I remember reading a humorous post about the art of blogging. It was a funny enough piece… because of which I assumed that most of the interesting facts documented there… were unreal. I never followed the blog… subsequently lost the post’s permalink and forgot all about the things I had read there.

At the time I was still suffering from several misconceptions about life… one of which was an iron clad surety that quality brings about recognition. Needless to say, that I have learned loads since then… and consequently am even more cynical than before.

After roughly a year of maintaining a blog… and posting new stuff to it routinely (also tracking the number of page views each day… with rapidly fading enthusiasm) I can safely vouch… that as far as blogging is concerned, quality comes way down the line of what’s important to get noticed.

I would love to be able to say that I am not a narcissist (well… technically I am not. I’ve seen far too many of my own photographs to harbor any doubts about that…) but, having read a lot of the posts of my fellow bloggers (most of them anyway) I think it would only be stating a fact if I said that by comparison I do not entirely suck…. (Sorry… false modesty was never my métier.)

And yet… it’s beyond me how so many people (yeah maybe I am a tiny bit jealous) with… um, shall we say… not a lot of originality, an unremarkable writing style… and a less than perfect knowledge of grammar, manage to harness huge fan followings.

Oh well… not considering the most probable possibility (that I was wrong in assuming I was any good)… this was a bit of a poser. And thus I was faced with the dilemma of how to tackle it.

As far as my intensely narrow perspective could gauge… there were only two things that could be done. I could either stew in my growing frustration… or try and better myself through adequate (if also slightly vindictive) research as to what I was lacking… in the blogging field.

I was pleasantly surprised when I found myself doing the latter. (There may just be hope for me yet.)

With the right stimulus attained… my treacherous memory finally allowed a few points from that long forgotten post to trickle back. And having my own experiences (both on blogspot and indiblogger) to compliment that… I can finally put forth my findings about how one can make their blog popular.

(Before I begin… stop wondering why my blog is still languishing in an unvisited corner of the web… the bloggers bind spot!)

I’m going to bullet out these tips (I really like the reverse numbering style… just like building up to something big) and (although they are true… in a way) hope that they make you laugh (or at least smile a little…?) causing you to maybe click the ‘join this site’ link on the right….

And yes, perceptive reader of mine. That indeed was point-number-five on the list.

5. Beg people to follow your blog.

As weird as that is… a request to follow someone else’s blog… no matter how much it may suck… isn’t turned down so easily. Unless you come up against a particularly mean/serious blogger (like me… at least about the mean part) who’ll pretend like you are scum (which let’s face it… you might well be), you’re blog will soon be overflowing with followers. (Hmm, I hope that the above request manages to get me some too… in any case, that’s about as much as I can bend at the knees.)

4. Scratch other bloggers’ backs as much as possible.

Time to face a hard truth… only bloggers read blogs... and that too with more than just a faint expectation of having their own blogs read in return. If you are looking for people to comment on your posts and tell you how great everything is… you have to start doing the same (even if appreciating a particular post causes you physical agony!). Likewise… you are expected to praise the posts of each of your followers… no matter how lame. Persistently (or adamantly) refusing/failing to do this, as the visionary of the forgotten blog had put it, gets you excommunicated from the bloggers circle… and there’s no going back.

3. Make things jolly.

Apparently… décor matters as much as anything else in blogging. Even the most well composed of posts will remain woefully shrouded in the miasma of obscurity… unless people are impressed enough by the page’s getup to give it a look see. Makes perfect sense, at least to most people that come across this helpful pointer. But to my cynic’s ears… what I effectively hear is something along the lines of, “Decorate a blog about comparative theological analysis, with pink ponies and unicorns.” Should appearances matter to this extent? Most bloggers are hopeful writers in any case… should they (we) really succumb to the timeless folly of judging a book (blog in this case) by its cover?

2. SEO: the searchlight of fame.

To all those with blank expressions… SEO stands for ‘Search Engine Optimization’ (probably… google it just to make sure). Apparently, in the off chance that someone keys in your blog’s name at some search engine… these steps will ensure that your page is displayed at the top of the page. The way I see it… unless your URL is bloody unique, there is a very slim chance of being discovered like this. All common named guys and girls, maintaining conventional topic oriented blogs… without any major USP (feels good to use so many abbreviations in a single paragraph)… you’ll merely be a part of the 1000000+ results that google will return to the query of ‘funny blog post’. How you can get to the top of that list… I’ll never know. Easier to just change your name to Zoey Zemannof Zamboni… maintaining the blog ‘When I changed my name… people still didn’t know who (what) I was since no one ever searched something so superbly unique’.

1. Subterfuge… the only way to exploit the average surfer.

I know for a fact… that I am not the only one who has been struck by the disparity in the number of followers of a blog belonging to a female… and one owned by a dude. Bloggers eagerly read the blogs, posts and about me’s of a girl’s blog… especially if the gravatar is any good. Before I protest at how unfair it all is, a quick aside declaring myself guilty of having done the same things is essential. Anyway, I have the perfect solution. Guys, that want the attentions… sorry, audience of a large circle of readers, change your profile name and picture to that of your girlfriend! You’re going to be halfway to success before you even refresh your page. Girls that want to stay in the lead… make your display photos hotter. It’s all so simple, isn’t it?

Not really a groundbreaking thesis this… merely a vent for my own continued obscurity and pent up sarcasm.

On a serious note though… people who do read this… (I know that some of you do… I can see the page views remember? *all knowing smile*), please have some pity on a poor comrade-at-blogs and leave me some form of effing feedback!

How long does it take to post a tiny comment or suggestion? Even a simple… ‘You suck, you pumped up little twit!’ would be nice (or maybe not).

And fellow blogger who just read this... please don't kick me out from your networks...?