Resolutions...

New Year… the time for promises to be made and attempts undertaken… all designed to better oneself. It’s also a time of the year, to regret the falling through of the previous batch of resolutions. Looking forward with hope… and looking back with regret… all packed in one sweet little package called… the ‘New Year Resolutions’.

If you really follow the resolutions a person makes at the start of a new year, it’ll tell you a lot about what his previous one was like. Perhaps even more than he himself, is aware of. Also… it’ll provided you valuable experience in reading people (if that’s your idea of a useful talent), or amusement at the bloopers of your fellow men (if you are a bastard). Basically… there’s something in it for just about everybody.

It would be downright foolish to attempt to catalogue all the millions of resolutions that get made and broken each year… but the most common ones can easily be listed. With some further effort (and cynicism) they can be ordered in a list of frequency… or amusement value (I obviously chose the latter way… seemed more fun). With just a little more work… the net result can be uploaded to your blog… as a slap on the faces of a lot of stooges (who hopefully will never chance upon this page) and a source of mirth to all readers.

And voila! No prizes for guessing what this post is going to be about.

Without further ado… let us begin the countdown to the funniest resolutions of the season (laughing at each of its most probable back story and destination).

11. I will spend this year working hard to achieve what I am capable of.

Pretty common… I’m sure you’ll agree. The prayer of a professional… by the sound of it (note the solemn formal tones). I am guessing it was a (typically) disappointing year with low grades and whatnot… and more than a few lectures about how he is wasting away without living up to the things he would achieve if he set his mind to it. Here’s the clincher… just as he is used to making this resolution… he is just as tried in letting it shatter. So it’s going to be another year filled with lazing about for you buddy. Cheers!

10. I will hit the gym each morning

Commonplace resolution undertaken by the health conscious, the obese… and the ones who keep paying for a gym membership they never put to use. Of course… considering how things like lunch, sitting around time, appointments, sitting around time, television shows and sitting around time tend to crop up so often… it’s another resolution that’ll be right down the drain.

9. I will cut my hair before it gets scruffy

A resolution… that might have been very easily applicable to me… had I been prone to making anything so predestined to fail. I know firsthand exactly what happens when this particular resolution is made. Right after the realization that the hair cut makes you look considerably better than the previous ‘persistently disheveled’ appearance… this promise is made. We feel like never letting our scalp, get overrun by errant hair strands dangling all over the eyes… again. But somehow or the other… we manage to miss the time when the next haircut is due and return to resembling Slash in no time. Hmm, I wonder if people make the resolution, “I’m going to buy a top hat”…?

8. I will stop bunking classes

I wish I could be on site when this resolution gets made, just for the pleasure of screaming… ‘HA HA HA!’ as loudly as I could into ears of the ‘resolutioner’… ‘resolutee’… whatever. I have considered this particular pledge so many time is the past couple of years that now I know… the more stringent I make my oath and the harder I try to stick to it… the poorer my end of semester attendance is going to get. You just can’t help these things. (My last semester saw me attending a total of zero theory classes… believe it or not)

7. I will stop eating junk food

That is… not happening brother. Junk food is delicious… and this realization is going to hit you like a sledgehammer on steroids, while you watch your friends gobbling up the street side delicacies. Five minutes into that… you will be thinking how bad ‘a taste’ would be. In total… two three days tops before you will have chucked your vow out of the window.

6. When I hear something funny… I will not say LOL

Certainly a much needed resolution for many annoying buggers out there… some of whom I happen to know personally. I totally wish that the folks feeling the need to make this resolution manage to hold on to it. But unfortunately… experience teaches me otherwise. In the New Year they will continue to piss me off… same as ever. Sigh… life sucks.

5. I will get over my ex… seriously

It’s a common resolve among lovelorn fools, struggling to get over their obsessions. It’s also one… that just doesn’t happen. Try all they want… the people keep relapsing into their previous states… being a pill. Keep it up folks… we enjoy a good laugh at your expense every time you depart having shared your recent heartaches. I for one am quite glad to know that this resolve is worth nothing… I’d hate to lose out on my evening’s entertainment.

4. I will forgive all those practical jokers who got me last year

Ah… those were the good times… watching ‘Exhibit A’ fume, under the collective laughter of all the witnesses to ‘Exhibit B’s triumph. Try as hard you like kid… we know that you are looking for payback, just as you should. Don’t give up… we need more pranks in the world to entertain us. We’ll laugh at whoever gets dunked with a can of paint… trust me.

3. I will not seek to blow off steam by drinking

Poor plan… and impossible to uphold. It’s easy to say it when things are looking… not too dark, and you feel buoyed up with fresh resolve… but just give it time. Though I can sense that the booze did get you into trouble in the last year… I doubt that your relationship was irreparably damaged. Once the year starts to get bad (we all know it will… didn’t you watch them movie?), you’ll be back at the bar. I’ll save you a seat.

2. I will stop flirting with people… whom my fiancée might know

I feel for all guys and girls prone to this rather misunderstood habit. Flirting is good you paranoid bunch of insecure freaks. Let your guy/girl sharpen his wits on some random hussy and use the sweet talk he/she learns on you. That’s how things should go. Don’t worry folks… sooner or later; they’ll get the truth of this… so carry on. Although, even without my support… it’s frigging impossible to stop anyway... isn’t it?

1. I will not waste time on computer games, TV or conference calls

Ahh… I pity the desperate promise of the frustrated mind. How sad that all those precious hours, that could have been spent in betterment of one’s being, were spent in saving the world from terrorists… or watching hot models parade across the ramps… or listen to a mixed chatter from seven vocal chords from four different cities and being unable to understand even one. Sadly… this is doomed to fail as well. There is just something ineffable about squeezing off a series of head shots with a dragunov… about being partially deafened by the ceaseless squeals over the phone… that keep us returning to them in chains. This year is all set to be wasted too man… just like mine. (About the models… the reason we keep returning to them… is quite effable actually)

And here ends a short summarization of the flaws and follies of the stereotypical New Year resolutions. Keep making them all you like chumps… they aren’t getting you anywhere.

My personal resolve is to keep being sarcastic about every dumb thing I see, hear or experience. A resolution I have been carrying out efficiently for as long as I can remember. And the above list… bears testimony to the fact.