A single blemish in the splendid night,
In the golden circle, a lonely blight,
Age lay withered upon the stones,
Under the lamp and it’s flickering light.
He wheezed, he coughed in moving tones
His form composed of fragile bones.
At the doors of death, a pitiful sight.
Shadows ranged, beyond the glow
As he lay dying amidst the snow,
No one rushed to help him out
When, his breathing began to slow.
His occasional spasm in throes of gout
Drew no aid, nor his plaintive shout
His pain a sight, that none would know.
But ringed about, the sphere of light
Scattered amidst the gathered night,
There stood a host of empty shapes,
Who quietly watched the old man’s plight.
Shifting and turning, like wind blown drapes
They silently waited in shadowy capes,
To scavenge the remains of the man’s lost fight.
The watchers watched and stood stock still,
They made no move to save or kill,
They watched the show in the lighted sphere
And watched the old man battle the chill
They made no sound, they did not cheer,
And in their darkness, they shed no tear,
While the old man’s voice began to shrill.
The winter breeze blew steadily by,
And white flakes fell from under the sky,
A lovely setting that faded fast
With an old man’s death and a whispered sigh
The silent watchers seemed to move at last
Their time for rest had finally passed,
With the end of life, their prize was nigh.
They fell upon the battered remains,
Of an age long struggle and countless pains
They dragged away all they could seize
Before his blood could freeze in his veins.
Soon all that was left, was the icy breeze,
The undisturbed night was again at ease
The scavengers had taken nightly gains.
An experiment with more complex rhythms...
ReplyDeleteit is no doubt excellent....i would just suggest u'de have made this better by simply making a comparison i mean today people r like these scavengers they watch the people die(a subtle comparison) would have added the 3rd d.
ReplyDeleteThat is an excellent poem. Your chronicle of the cruel end of a hapless man touched me. Great diction.
ReplyDeleteyour poem started off well, was progressing fine, but i think you could have portrayed the scavengers more visually, in action...the depiction of the old man's sufferings stand out in terms of craftsmanship in narration of his gradual death but the idea of the scavengers' role in the poem demands more details to give the poem a sense of completion. I loved your experimentation with the rhythms.Soho
ReplyDeleteFirst of all... it feels good to log in and see so much feedback (that too without too much criticism... yay!)
ReplyDeleteThanks guys :)
Sohini- I refrained from detailing the act of desecration because I wanted to leave it to the reader's imagination while simultaneously adding a quotient of secrecy in the actions of the scavengers.