People (2)...

You know what we all have, at least for a while as we grow up? Relatives. They are the universal commonality that binds all men and women together as they unite the world with their mutual distaste of that group of unyielding weeds in the garden of their lives.

I know… I have the heart of a poet… too bad that it’s coupled with the cynicism of Diogenes with a telescope and a searchlight.

Anyway, I have relatives… two bleeding sets of them, just like you. So, I figured… that writing something about that sad bunch of losers is bound to get a kick out of most people… save the ones lucky enough to have been rid of theirs already. It’s as unfair and unjust world we live in… I still have full frigging sets!

Oh and by the way, the best excuse about the language or force of words used here is this… ‘Dear’ relative of mine, if you are reading this… I’m just as related to you as you are to me. I don’t care if you turn the tables and visualize me while you read.

Never said it was a good excuse… just the best I could come up with.

Relatives turn up guys. Like tacks at the bottom of your shoe… or sweat at the end of a long day. They appear like termites in wood… and are as difficult to get rid of as an infestation of rats. But don’t let me bore you with a world of fanciful similes. (Just a last one for the road… they turn up as inevitably as droppings at the bottom of a bird cage.)

Apart from watching your parents shuffle around pretending that they care equally about all your relatives to please the spouse, there isn’t much to be said for the entertainment value of the deal. I mean, there is only so much fun you can derive out of watching your dad trying to be civil to the bloke who is sleeping with his little sister. After a while… it’s just part of the ordinary.

From what I have observed… relatives, tend not to age too well. As you grow up, the initial leeway that they grant you tends to fade away with a subconscious comparison to their own spawns. (Perhaps using the word ‘children’ would have been more diplomatic… but at 4.00 in the morning, I don’t really care.)

(Probably needless to say, but the morning bleariness was just an excuse... I just really, really wanted to be able to say that.)

As a result, you get cartloads of over-the-specs-scrutiny and judgmental-improvement-remarks virtually all the time. I am almost ninety percent sure, that I could not have been the only kid who had to face this!

Along with that, as you grow older and wiser (or at least grow a stubble that you can scratch while pretending to think), you make another weird discovery about your relatives. They all tend to have problems with one another. God I love irony in real life.

Sure, they can be icily, chillingly polite to each other at social gatherings. Sure, they can fake warmth and affection with a phone call on a birthday. But on the whole, you can see that they all think that all the rest have got issues. If you are still too young to have faced or noted this… start paying closer attention to the conversations that aren’t meant for your ears. (No, I don’t think eavesdropping is bad! It’s like a cheat code in life’s video game to make you mature faster.)

It’s sad… and therefore vaguely amusing when the subterranean lava boils to the surface and confrontations spice up the mundane daily routines. Feels like you’re living in a cheap local TV soap. That’s the dream! Well… for some people.

Conspiring, backstabbing, brown-nosing elders aside… you are left with a litter of cousins. Sure, they are cute and cuddly when you are all just a group of tumbling five year olds. But things change as you grow up.

In joint families… the bonds stay strong until your own requirements start getting sacrificed in favor of the requirement of the brat who preceded you into the world by five freaking minutes… but for the guys whose cousins live miles away… it’s not so easy.

Only occasionally meeting a bloke of your approximate age isn’t enough to develop a spark. Take school for example… even for buggers you see day after day, you only hang out with the ones you interact with on a regular basis. Your cousin just becomes a total stranger who you are expected to hit things off with while your parents exchange remarks about the weather. Talk about hands on training for an arranged marriage.

So, that’s about all I can say about that delightful collection of blood bonded brothers we call relatives.

Oh… and a few little pointers regarding how you should deal with relatives in a mature way… unless someone comes up with invisibility suits soon to hide you from their venomous gaze, pretend they don’t exist. Leave them alone and hope they reciprocate. Forget about them and pray they forget all about you… or worst case scenario, just shut your eyes and pretend they are all a part of a nightmare... that's what works best for me.