Annoyances...

Once in a while, no matter how easy going we might be, we end up having… you know… just one of those days. Everything seems to backfire and everyone gets on our nerves. We get annoyed by the songs of birds and the wind in the trees (lets say that the bird sang after taking a dump on your shoulder… and the wind blew dust in your eyes).

Of course… as far as cynical sons of the soil (yeah… that wasn’t the phrase I had planned on writing originally… but you know, blog rules and all) of my sort are concerned… that’s just what we put up with every single day.

So anyway after one such long tiring (and typical) day of having the world bugging the crap out of me… (And also my consternation with society’s ceaseless pranks culminating in my bugging the crap out of everyone else around me… vicious cycle I tell you, just blame the game... not the player) I decided to try and tabulate the things that piss me off the most.

After listing the hundreds of things that clamored for my attention immediately… and having to rate each one on a ‘five star’ basis (incidentally point number two-thirty-four was “having to compile huge lists and then being compelled to select only a fraction of the godawful stuff”… only two stars that one) I have succeeded in completing my second thesis paper.

In accordance to my usual style/mannerism of posting… here are the top eleven among them… listed in progressive amount of annoyance value.

11. The car alarm- Sure it’s pretty awesome to be that careful… but would it really be too much to ask you to actually come out and check why the alarm went off… and maybe… just maybe turn it off?

10. Applauding at movies- Man… you take ‘showing appreciation’ really seriously don’t you? But… it’s probably a good time to tell you that those giant people on the enormous screen in front of you… yeah… they aren’t real.

9. Measuring things by comparison to other things… e.g. a football field- As it turns out; measuring things by football field lengths is actually so efficient that I plan to use it for all future measurement situations. From here forward I would like to be known as the guy who’s 1/65th of a football field length tall and drives a car that gets 26.39 FFLPL on the highway.

8. Speaking acronyms- When speaking an acronym actually creates more work than saying the string of words it replaces (refer to WTF or even LOL) um, why would you do it man? Save the energy for surfing the internet while simultaneously eating cream filled pastries, come on dude, come on.

7. Giving a hundred and ten percent- Nothing says kiss-ass like claiming to give more than scientifically possible. From here out, don’t expect any more than 1.0 from me, ever.

6. Stopping suddenly- If you insist on pretending I’m not behind you, I think it’s only fair that I start pretending you’re not in front of me. So like for example, next time you decide to suddenly stop in front of me on the road, be ready to have your taillights smashed… if it’s on the sidewalk… enjoy the sensation of my steel-toes on your Achilles Tendon. Do we have a deal?

5. Caps of Fury- SERIOUSLY. IS IT SO HARD TO MOVE THE PINKY FINGER OVER TO THE RECTANGULAR KEY CLEARLY LABELED SHIFT AND GIVE IT A GENTLE TAP, WHEN NEEDED, INSTEAD OF SUBJECTING THE UNFORTUNATE RECIPIENTS OF ALL YOUR STUPID MESSAGES TO SOME HAZE INDUCING CAPS LOCK STUPOR?

4. Tattoos of human faces- When I can save up enough money (and my mom says it’s okay) I plan to get a super sweet tattoo of a face… on my face.

3. Making out with a dog- I mostly just like slobbery dog kisses because they’re so efficient; one kiss and I get to taste the wrong end of every dog in the neighborhood.

2. Replacing curse words- Good morning class, today we have a substitute, it’s Fudge.

1. Honking at the change of a traffic signal- Oh boy… am I glad you were behind me, I had absolutely no idea what to do when I saw that weird orb dangling over the intersection change from red to green. Hey, why don’t I just stay here a little while longer and see if you break your damn finger on your horn!

Here ends the very, very compacted collection to be sure….

Try any of them within my arm’s reach and be prepared to be kicked/slapped/punched for your efforts. Of course that doesn’t say that I will not be assaulting you if you try pulling some other crap that didn’t make it to this list….