Confusion...

You muse, brood, wonder, imagine, cogitate, reflect, mull over, ponder, consider…

At the end of it all you are still blank.

You never thought it would be so hard just to comprehend your situation… let alone acting on it.

Something has changed; you realize it but fail to wrap your mind around what this might imply. Of course some would feel that it actually doesn’t imply anything, but that seems improbable too.

You try and fail to forget what has happened and move on. You cannot get it out of your thoughts. You wonder as to what, if anything, you should do now.

What can you do?

To actually do anything, you need to know what you want, and how to go about getting it. You are stumped at the very first hurdle.

What do you want?

You can’t answer that yourself and no one can answer it for you.

There are many things to consider…. In a way you do know what you want. You want things to go back to what they were before the change. Well… maybe not entirely but it would still be better than the tangled present. It’s either that or a vague dream of a perfect future….

What you don’t want is at least easier to identify. You don’t want to get to a state worse than before… ‘It’ happened.

The picture is almost that of a casino. Now that your bet has been placed, you can either lose all your money or some of it… or even gain something slight. You simply cannot dare to think beyond that.

The point is things cannot be the same. That negates one of the things that would have guided your course of action.

Again you cannot consider one of the alternatives. So you decide not to try to ‘win’… but instead to make sure that you don’t ‘lose’.

It’s true that you have been assured that you will not lose no matter what. But you cannot trust yourself enough to believe that. You are afraid of uncontrollable factors and your own occasional slips that are suddenly all too common.

You keep making blunders. Earlier it had been your second nature to avoid these mistakes. Now it’s as if you have to start all over again after having gotten so good at it. After having perfected yourself you are brought back to the level of a learner.

And you still don’t know what to do.

You wish you believed in fate and abandon everything to destiny. But that’s not what you maintain. You know actions and words are what affect our course. Not some pre-set game plan.

You have needed guidance before, but never have you been so totally at a loss.

You have to do… Something… to make things… Better. You wish you know what ‘something’ and ‘better’ were.

You wish you weren’t so unclear about what ‘things’ was….

No one can help you here.

You are entirely on your own and at your wit’s end. You are frustrated as to how this situation arose. You think of the past and the present. The prospect of future scares you.

You muse, brood, wonder, imagine, cogitate, reflect, mull over, ponder, consider…