Exam Time...

Exams, without a doubt are God’s bane for sampling the fruit of knowledge and the recurring nightmare of the student life that so persistently sneaks out from under the bed every term. Oh well… no worries!

You see… for several of us, exams are a time of the year no different than Thanksgiving. Your usual bunch of buddies tend to be otherwise occupied, thereby ruining all possibilities for making a decent plan to get shitfaced… and you have no choice but to fly solo till the festivities are done. See? Exactly like the holidays.

And as for the actual examinations themselves… they never cause any concern to the practiced reveler… undue or otherwise. Seriously… how much of a headache are you going to get by worrying about an exam you just know you are never going to pass? With confidence like that… all you need is to go for a drink… or three.

But for the less fortunate among us, who in spite of the obvious futility in appearing for a test are nonetheless made to do so by stupid rules and their enforcers, I have a list of cures for the boredom that is sure to arise in the three hours in a hall. I know… you can all thank me after you step out of the hall triumphantly.

Do bear in mind that I am in no way to be blamed if in addition to being entertained at the exam, you experience the side effect of being kicked out of your institution.

15. Bring cheat sheets for a different subject (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam papers, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

14. Tear up the answer script to make origami cranes. Re enact scenes from Jurassic Park with them.

13. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what’s going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

12. Play Frisbee with a friend on the other side of the room.

11. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. Do not forget to moan (loudly) as your muscles ease up.

10. Bring a large and ugly idol and place it beside you. Pray to it fervently every five minutes and worship it with incense. A small bell does wonders for the net acoustic effect too. Don’t hesitate to consider a small sacrifice.

9. Show up completely drunk. Here, completely drunk means that at some point during the examination you have to begin bawling for your mommy at the top of your voice.

8. Hand over your answer scripts fifteen minutes after the exam begins. And comment on how ridiculously easy it was all the way out of the class.

7. Try and get all the people in your exam hall to do a Mexican wave. Be as persuasive as you possibly can.

6. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

5. Find innovative ways to avoid answering the questions. For example, in a medical science related paper… “I cannot answer this question since it reminds me of how my grandfather passed away.”

4. Solve the entire multiple choice section by spelling out interesting words like…  CABADABAD.

3. Bring a water pistol to the test. Enough said!

2. Carry a musical instrument to the hall and start playing. When asked to stop by the invigilator, say it helps you think. Be prepared to show him a copy of the exam regulations and ask him to find the section that debars you from playing music in the hall. Don’t forget to say… “I told you so!”

1. Trip people up as they walk past your desk.

Have fun trying these out lads… they make an examination enjoyable... year after year.