Looking Back...

Retrospection… the perpetual occupation of many, and the most avoided chore for most. But, almost every single bloke… from the supremely over confident… to the utterly clueless and unsure… does indulge in it at least a little bit right before the old year draws to an end.

It’s a time, for some solemn looking-back, at the things that happened throughout the year. Considering the party season, that’s also in full swing, usually these reflections occur halfway through a bottle of one’s favorite brain-cell-killer. Oh well… just a small compromise to make when seen in the light of all the valuable lessons to be learned (hopefully) from all the pensive meditating.

Hey, I figure it’s only human to look back and wonder if… well whether you did the best you could. Or… more importantly… could things have been handled differently… causing the outcomes to be better. This note… the last of the year… (I’ll kill all you bastards that just went “Thank God!”), is a collection of my personal doubts and lessons about the year that will soon become history.

I figured some while back, that the order, of the things that play on your mind have little to do with their chronological sequence. They flow through your (usually inebriated) synapses on the basis of how closer they are to you. The ones that affect you most… clamor for your attention at the very beginning, and later subside to make room for the other… lesser doubts.

Hence, I’ll be attempting to list them in reverse… hopefully, something that’ll help me learn how to have good build ups. (The folks who didn’t get that… sheesh!)

It would be only fair to apologize in advance for the certain amount of cryptic references, that I’m sure will be a part of the list. But… hey, read the top of the page and quell any doubts about what this blog is supposed to be about. Stuff I write… not stuff that I explain to you.

Here goes. (Damn! It is way tougher to compile this when you’re stark sober, I tell you).

15. I learned this year… that people have two ways of dealing with a letdown. Either they blame it on the uncontrollable factors… or they go into depression. Having seen both of these reactions… I have decided to henceforth go for a different approach… just hope that the next time a similar situation arises… I end up tackling it better… thereby avoiding the letdown itself.

14. I learned… that being a tween… includes a whole lot of headaches induced by other tweens. It’s almost a part of life to go around feeling that your situation (whatever it may be) is utterly unique… and beyond anybody else's comprehension... thereby ticking off everyone around you. (Thankfully, this year I was the one ticked off… not the ticker… for the most part anyway.)

13. I learned, from observing third parties, that taking absolutely anything for granted was a sure fire way for said thing to change drastically… for the worse. I avoided that by not having even a single such expectation throughout the year. Frankly… that’s a feat I am a little proud of.

12. I derived… from my own experiences and those of everyone I had any dealings with… that not a soul has a perfect life. Every single man, woman and child has a whole bunch of world encompassing problems. And… all of them go wrong when they think, that the rest have it easier.

11. Throughout the year, I encountered a lot of… complicacies in various spheres. It would be an abomination to say I attempted to unravel them… I mostly avoided it all, till I had no other alternative… and then dealt with them as hurriedly as humanly possible. As weird as it may sound, I have decided to continue doing just that. Live in the moment… and procrastinate my ass off.

10. This year… I met a greater number of… new faces, than I usually tend to do (see the leap in my facebook friend list for proof)… and I learned, that the human mind has a limited capacity of keeping in touch. You may either be good at making friends… or good at keeping them… but very rarely can you be both. To the host of people I hardly ever think of anymore… sorry guys.

9. During this rather eventful year, I gained several new memories of a very specific brand. Neither happy nor sad… but incidents that when looked back towards, fill me with… anguish! “Why in seven hells, did I have to do that?” is the common reaction associated to them all. There is nothing to be done about any of it now… so I guess the best I can do is try not to think of them… lest I begin kicking myself again.

8. With regards to the love (sense the subtle sarcasm in the italic) that seems to penetrate the vast majority of my peers… I managed to gain some insights this year. Being able to say ‘been there… done that’ to most of the overwhelming experiences that my mates go through… I can see how eventually those same things will make the love struck couples laugh (or just shrug, when they grow up a bit more). It’s almost a metaphorical feather in my metaphorical cap, that I have inculcated what may only be called… a whole new level of cynicism.

7. I have always been firmly against the importance of appearances. My line of belief was further bolstered by Ayn Rand’s novels. But this year, I think I have managed to learn the last remaining lesson that I had hitherto been unable to gain from her books… that, to the rest of the world… appearances matter… a lot. I feel proud of the fact that this only serves to strengthen the depth of my personal feeling on the subject. I still don’t give a damn about how things appear.

6. Some time, in the middle of the year… I had taken a moment off to try and understand something about myself. And now… having tested out my hypothesis for quite some time, I am sure enough about it to state it with some confidence. It’s a proven fact that I refuse to take into consideration, what others may think, while doing something that I feel is the right course of action… often vehemently disregarding the reactions of the mass in the process. The ‘why’ to this, I believe, is because I over compensate… having seen too many people succumb to the lure of popularity. My adamant nature kicks in at this point, making me refrain from even considering changing.

5. I suffered a few losses this year… and faced a few instances when there appeared to be no way for things to get worse. Now, I know that they always can. If you let your guard down for even a second… thinking that things will automatically get better, you’re in for a major unpleasant surprise.

4. This year was a little strange as I attempted a few things that I hadn’t tried before... for example, being heedful about not hurting a fellow sentient being without meaning to. Earlier I used to say required stuff rather bluntly… this year I gave ‘sugarcoating’ a shot. I think I did well enough… apart from a few cases where I snapped and relapsed to being… well... me. I apologize to those that faced my vexation… (unless you deserved it of course).

3. I was fortunate to gain a crash course in social dynamics this year… and how important it was to invest time to maintain your standing in a circle. I was taught that by dint of effort you could overcome major drawbacks like… well being a douche, while correspondingly the nicest of people could drown in slander in their absence. Conclusion: Having nothing better to do helps you gel with people.

2. In several ways, I feel that I'm ending this year, close to where I started. Perhaps a little more somber and brooding, but on the whole a very similar guy to the one that had begun it. This lack of a drastic alteration in behavior… I attribute to the lack of an excessive emotional accumulation. Credits go to Blogger… where I am completing my first year. Thanks you guys, for being a vent in addition to an outlet for creativity.

1. Lastly, I learned a hard truth about honesty this year. I was shown… that things could be a lot simpler if we didn’t have a network of lies weaved around us, to conceal our true natures from our neighbors. I gained this realization… and decided that it wasn’t for me. I will still gladly face the rare shakedown when truth catches up to my false reality… as long as, during the far lengthier periods of apparent peace… I continue to be who I want to be.

Call this list of bullet points, lessons… or call them observations, they are the things that can be said to summarize my entire year. It’s entirely up to you to judge if the year was wasted, spent becoming a better person… or decaying. But, as far as my personal opinion on the topic is concerned, I am happy with how the year went. Considering the many setbacks and the triumphs… the trauma and the joys… I don't wish for a year any different than the one I just had.

True, it could have gone better… but I would rather not make any changes to it… even if I could. I see this year… as a learning curve on the path to becoming whoever it is I am supposed to become… and as such, I treasure it the way it went.

So… this is me… hoping that you had no qualms about your last  three hundred and sixty five days either… and wishing you a happy new year.