Fictionary...

Recently, I decided to branch out from writing short fluff pieces to something bigger… a fantasy novel. Hopefully, a series of novels… provided luck and motivation don’t run out. And while going about it I had to read around a lot to gather more details of what the general trend is among my fellow fantasy authors.

Yes, it was also my hope to avoid being accused of plagiarism if by some chance my plot resembled something already published. Well… I am at least glad to say that I was more or less successful on both counts.

I made it a point to deviate my storyline from anything resembling the ideas I read… and I did my best to avoid a lot of the tendencies that seemed to be rampant among my contemporary authors. A far different task from the one I had had in mind when going in.

Of course, as much as I enjoy taking tips from the works of true masters… like J.R.R Tolkien or C.S Lewis… most of the remaining would be fantasy novelist’s, at least the more recent ones, works were a bit… horrific in how they stayed restricted in certain stereotypes.

For the benefit of whoever might chance upon this collection, seeking pointers… but mostly for my personal satisfaction and amusement, I am listing a few of their most… interesting shared features.

15. It will only rain, when the heroes are exhausted… and running out of food.

14. The heroes will always have a quiet and brooding personality as a mark of their lives past tragedies or upcoming hardships… usually both.

13. The enemies will be killed by the slightest mishap while the heroes will live through anything. He isn’t a true hero if he can’t overcome at least five armed men by himself… and a dog.

12. Magic (if available) will be used intelligently by the heroes, but will be wasted by the enemies as they try to take the hero down.

11. At least one of the hero’s allies will be murdered by the enemy… and the hero after a fit of vengeful wrath will eventually calm himself and accept fate with a tragic sigh.

10. Racial prejudices will be ignored by the heroes… but will be a major factor in the downfall of the enemy.

9. The enemy will be able to predict all of the heroes’ actions, but will be powerless to stop them. The heroes will foil all of the enemies’ carefully laid out plans through sheer dumb luck.

8. The heroes will be able to survive for weeks without feeling the call of nature, unless they are in a cell. Then his life becomes a series of relieving himself at unspecific intervals.

7. Should the heroes be captured, the enemy will invariably gloat and reveal all of their plans… adding how great they are and offering the hero a chance to join them. The hero refuses with considerable more force than would be expected from a whipped/beaten man.

6. Should the heroes be captured, they will be kept in a small cell with a bit of straw but (this is important) no windows. He will only be fed bread and water at irregular intervals when he is near death from starvation. Despite this, he will be able to tell how much time has passed.

5. The hero, after making a noise when trying to remain silent, will stand perfectly still for several minutes. The enemy, searching for him, will not, however, have heard it.

Alternate scenario: the enemy will hear it and search the area immediately (rather than guessing what the hero is doing, and waiting for him to move again… thereby giving himself away). The hero will quickly hide, his sounds masked by the noise of the enemy's search.

4. Everyone in a position of power is corrupt, and is subject to bribes… and the hero has always got just enough money to do the bribing and still get double crossed afterwards.

3. Whenever possible, arrange your plot so that it fits a work of art that has already been used, so that new art will not have to be commissioned.

2. All books will be between 300 and 350 pages.

1. The heroes will lose every battle, but win the war eventually, look sadly at a bloody battlefield and brood.

These seemingly irreplaceable patterns are so densely scattered among the modern day fantasy novels, that one may feel, it might just be impossible to right without succumbing to them.

Be that as it may… I merely know that if I accidentally end up putting in even one of them in anything I ever write… be it a long story or short piece… hell will hold no horrors for me, compared to my own fist.