Misunderstandings...

Ever wondered what separates us from animals… apart from the fact that we can curb our instincts? (To be fair… only a few of us actually ever do that.) I personally feel, that in addition to having superior brain functions such as selfishness, and knowing what’s best for us… another answer to that question would be… our ability to communicate with each other effectively… instead of having to sniff each other’s asses to know who’s in season. The gift of language… that played a definite part in our becoming the dominant species of the planet is however not without a few flaws.

It seems to be hardwired into the very concept of communication, whichever form of it you consider, that at least half of what you wish to express will be interpreted differently by your intended targets than what you had in mind. For the remaining… it goes past them tangentially thereby helping you avoid another set of lengthy explanations to get out of the mess you’ve already cooked up. Perhaps, if mankind had been entirely deaf and dumb… we’d have been a race without wars… or at least short of so many misunderstandings… and the scraps they cause.

It’s just so darn easy for the things we say to be misspoken, misinterpreted, misheard and plain mistaken for something it’s not. Things we speak in honesty are taken as ironical comments and things we speak in jest are considered serious remarks. Our body language speaks volume to the morons who study them so deeply that they forget to listen to the words we scream at them. Our gestures and expressions are constantly translated by pretend psychiatrists who try and fail to evaluate what we actually mean. And most importantly there is the misunderstanding that arises when the words we speak could apply to two very different situations… with rather humorous results usually (at least to a third party).

This particular post, is a brief compilation of such cases that I have either experienced firsthand, or have been told have taken place. Hopefully, we can all avoid these things in the future… and contrive to look less stupid if we fail.

5. “Hey guys, this is Anita… my mate.”

It was a result of having listened to a way too many Australian commentators in the preceding few weeks. It took me a full minute to figure out why the jackasses around me were hooting… and nearly a year to live it down. Hmm… come to think of it, I never even saw the girl again after that day. Oh well… so much for self fulfilling prophecies.

4. “Dude I need a rubber… ASAP”

This happened to me in college. The bloke next to me leans over from his seat… all worked up and sweaty and whispers the stuff. And I, being the gentleman that I am, decide to help him out as best I can. I didn’t have an eraser on me… so I handed him the next best thing (one of those I happened to have in my wallet). In my defense… his urgency might have led me to assume a greater emergency than some mere slip of pencil. It’s a pity that he never really saw the humor in the situation… everyone else laughed… mostly at him.

3. “Too bad… just suck it up.”

Here’s a bit of advice… never ever use flamboyant language in the presence of anyone who hasn’t been watching far too many American movies and soaps for their own good. Because, if you do… this is what’s going to happen.

1. The girl who just stubbed her toe will slap you.
2. Her friend standing beside her will say “Ewww!”
3. Her boyfriend who was brimming with concern just moments ago… will kick your ass.

2. “Where’s the damn restroom?”

Consider the hypothetical case, that you have a bursting bladder at a railway station. You walk up to people who should be able to help you with the layout of the place and ask for directions to the restroom. And every single time… you get sent back to the lounge… i.e. the place where you rest. The friend of mine, who recounted this, says that he was actually on his way to relieve himself in a dustbin in the middle of the sitting area… when he finally spotted the sign for the urinal and averted his impending arrest.

1. “Let’s smoke a fag and think things over.”

Ah, the poor cousin of mine who went to Houston after being brought up on British English alone. There’s not many of us, who would see something wrong with what he suggested to his co-worker while discussing work. Pretty straight forward isn’t it? “Let’s have a cigarette and think things over.” What could possibly be misinterpreted in that?

Well… in America ‘smoke’ means to kill someone. Also in America… a ‘fag’ isn’t a cigarette it’s slang for a gay guy. “Let’s kill a gay guy and think things over!” Especially considering that the bloke he was speaking to was gay himself! It was only the fact that both his mistakes were getting pretty common (therefore inspiring laughter instead of rage)… that helped things get smoothed over.

That’s about it for now… do share any similar experience you yourself have had or heard of… and we’ll laugh just as hard and indiscriminatingly at you as you just did at me. Peace out.