Foodie...

Ruben was crazy about food… both qualitatively as well as quantitatively…. Going out for lunch with him was always like an adventure trip for us… his colleagues. It was a half hour of undiluted awesomeness… every single time.

Things usually followed this pattern…. First Ruben would survey the menu… critically. He made remarks about how the items were listed wrong, or that they should be grouped differently… and many other things besides…. He certainly took his food seriously.

Next he would ask the unlucky waiter about how some of the items were prepared using ‘gourmet digest’ terms that made the poor sod always send for the head waiter within minutes….

 The head waiter would fare no better against the onslaught of the foodie… and soon, Ruben would be explaining his order to the head chef… usually something that wasn’t even on the menu and the procedure of its preparation being taught by the customer….

In spite of all these… annoyances that he unfailingly caused… the restaurant owners actually liked Ruben. I don’t know if they did so because his unparalleled expertise usually benefited the knowledge and menus of the restaurant he dined in… which come to think of it probably did happen…. But Ruben always said that he was always given the red carpet treatment at any diner he was stepping in for the second time because, they liked to serve someone whose profession catered to their having a profession….

Ruben’s favorite declaration was that, since we have to eat in order to live… why not live so that we can eat. He introduced himself, jokingly of course, saying that he ate for his living… and invariably pulled it off when people watched him perform at the table….

The only thing he cared about was his food. What he did as his job… was merely his means of providing the substance required to ‘feed’ his passion….

A meal with Ruben would always be… sensational and mesmerizing. Just like a magic show… where while feeling the joy and satisfaction after a good performance… a part of you always wonders… “How does he do it?”

So it was almost by reflex that we said, “Sure!” when Ruben asked us if we would like to accompany him to a dinner with his soon to be in-laws, a few days before the ceremony.

At this point we were yet to meet the future Mrs. Ruben… so both Phil and I were pretty curious about the woman our ‘Food king’ was going to marry. We felt that she had to be some sensational cook… at least, to have won Ruben’s heart… which could only be reached by the eight-lane expressway leading from his stomach.

With these assumptions in mind, we turned up bright and early at the dinner address… all set for the meal of our lives… something that had brought even Ruben to the ground.

It was a pretty fun evening all in all. The future bride, her brother and parents, were all agreeable company… and throwing in Ruben, Phil and I… we were definitely a fun bunch. We had a great time… yet all the while, there was a persistent nagging feeling at the back our minds… a sense of anticipation that very nearly sent butterflies down our stomach and caused goose bumps on our skins… ‘Dinner’…. We expected it to justify the capital letter….

When we were called to the table… finally… we could barely suppress our eagerness. We had already been told that the dinner had been prepared by Ruben’s soon to be betrothed… and we were just waiting to see how splendid it would be.

Predictably the bride’s family had sniggered a bit when this trivia was revealed… of course they all knew Ruben and his affinity for fine cuisine, and had probably been amused at this match made at heaven’s table….

At long, long last… the first course arrived… soup.

Calling it soap-water with floating parsley would be an insult to soap and to parsleys!

Next came… the fish.

It has been fried too deep… tasting almost identical to charcoal marinated in vinegar… and smelling strongly of it too.

The main course was… Pork Chops….

A terrible way to desecrate the poor dead pig… to make it a component of a preparation so utterly revolting!

Salad was due next… and we were already fed to our teeth with the quality of the dinner.

We… being friends of Ruben were not strangers to the concept of ‘cooked salads’. When prepared well, it can certainly be a treat to the palate. However when we detected that same item which had enthralled us once so long ago… we were more than a little put out.

It dripped oil… by the gallons… the trademark of a kitchen novice.

Dessert… was a violet pudding.

Violet… to the extent of the color accumulating in a small puddle beside the mound….

With dinner behind us… thankfully… we bade our hosts goodnight, and all sauntered out.

We wondered what would be the appropriate amount of time to wait before we could ask Ruben the three word question… “Why on Earth?” and was surprised when he burst out laughing as soon as we were out of earshot of the house.

“Sorry to ruin your night guys…” he chortled. “You were expecting a grand dinner weren’t you?”

Studying our expressions and deducing our responses he laughed again, before finally explaining himself.

“Ellen can’t cook… at all”. He sighed contentedly.

“Um… we figured as much ourselves dude. Care to explain why you are affianced to her then?” Phil asked… when he saw that no further explanation was forthcoming.

Only then did Ruben clear things up. He had realized long ago, it would be damn near impossible to find himself a wife that could cater to his ultra honed taste buds… at least one that would stick with him if he explained exactly how he wanted his meals to be prepared night after night.

So, he had chosen a far wiser alternative. He had married someone who would never feel the least bit inclined to set foot inside a kitchen or cook for her husband… thus leaving old Ruben free to dine outside, to his heart’s content every single day…!

We agreed to his logic… after he treated us to an exceptional dinner… like the one we had expected. We would have seen the sense in absolutely anything given the state we were in by then… but it actually does make some weird kind of sense. We could just hope for the best….

It’s been twelve years now that Ruben is happily married. The most notable thing about his family, besides there super refined taste of… well taste, is that… their house has an indoor pool, where a kitchen ought to be…!

His son gets to do what all kids on every corner of the world want… i.e. eat out every day.

Even I sometimes wish that I were in his shoes… Sigh!